Flexible Agendas

It was a calm morning. I was feeling calm inside after a good half an hour of meditation.

We had a PTM the day before, where the teacher had shared her perception of Pihu’s strengths (finishes whatever work is given, participates well, understands and remembers whatever is taught, etc.) and areas of improvements (drawing and coloring, handwriting).

Till now I had been successful in cultivating in her an interest in mathematics and language, logic and reasoning through various creative ideas, games and candid relaxed conversations but when it came to art I could never pull myself up for the work. Maybe because I considered it as not so essential a skill as reading or expressing or calculating. But now something needed to change. Perhaps a few days of exclusive focus on art ? Perhaps more firmness when she starts to run away at the first hint of me 'teaching' her drawing or coloring or handwriting? I didn’t know.

So as I got up from my mat that morning, I wanted to stitch a loose agenda in my mind for the upcoming days. I was not feeling anxious or hurried regarding this job to be started with Pihu. From my experience, I knew that if I keep my cool, I will get innovative ways to do this work with her in a fun way. One idea, that had come the night before, was to introduce a family drawing time (game), where all three of us will draw and color something and then show to each other.

So that morning, I was thinking about the logistics of that idea when P got up.

Me (thinking) : How should I utilize this morning calm to have a productive/immersive time together?

I rummaged the cupboard for some art and color book and found one which was half done by her and which I had, until now, left solely on her to do her way - hoping that she will develop a sense of drawing and coloring by herself. I found a page which looked perfect for that day’s agenda. I took it to the room where she was sitting. By now my mind was full of agenda for the morning - “I will offer it to her and observe how she does, if required I will join in with her …doing some of the bits together to scaffold (a word that I learnt in my teacher training programme, CIDTL) her…..will observe the patterns and accordingly formulate a strategy for upcoming days.”

However, as I said before, I was feeling calm also that morning - my breath was deep and regular, my mind not rushing past the things in front of it. So when I approached her, I was able to notice that P was deeply engrossed in her play with the doll. My state of calm made it possible for me to notice and accept that ‘reality’ - the external reality, the reality which is there outside of my mind and which is the only reality existing for her at that moment.

When we feel calm and content, our minds don’t rush to impose our internal realities onto the external realities, i.e. the imposing of our agendas onto the child. When we are calm and in touch with our breaths, our perspective broadens , our awareness of outer reality also broadens and we find creative ways of merging our internal and external realities instead of ignoring and disregarding the external and imposing the internal.

If it had been any other hurried day, I would not have been able to notice the external reality, P’s reality and I would have gone on to impose my agenda ignoring all together her needs, disregarding all together her existence. I come to feel now that this kind of action is an emotional violence that we do to each other, every day, in the name of hurry.

So that morning, as my calmness led me to an increased awareness of the existence of the ‘world of others’, I became gentler in introducing ‘my world’ to others. I quietly laid out the book on bed opened on the selected page, gathered the materials needed, then waited. She was still engrossed. “Thats okay”, I thought calmly. “Let her come to the materials, or let her notice what I am upto or let her be curious as to what is going on.”

I rummaged my mind for anything important that needs to be done while she comes out of her reverie. “Oh yes! I have to take out a drawing book and notebook from the buried pile in the shelf. Those would be of good use for our new art time together”, I thought. I found those things and laid them too on the bed.

She asked me to put a dress on her doll. It had gotten stuck while she was changing it. For my mind, it was a displeasure to change gears - to break my chain of thoughts on the all-important agenda and honor her request, but luckily that momentary displeasure died out and I did it. She was again
engrossed in her world. “Hmm….what next?”, I thought. I saw the whiteboard and it occurred to me that I needed to buy few things from the market. So I started dumping those things out on the whiteboard in a beautiful, inviting list!

By this time, she was done with her play (fully satisfied and fully ready to move on to the next thing that catches her attention).

P: What are you doing , mumma? What is this list for?

Me: We need to buy these things when I go to the market today.

She took the marker and added one more item to the list - cookbook for kids. I was rather surprised to see that entry as she had never mentioned it before (though she recently had a cooking competition in school). Had I not written that list on the whiteboard, would it have occurred to her to tell me to buy that book? We never discussed cooking much, so I don’t know.

Me : What kind of cook book, anything specific in mind?

P: Where they have given step by step instructions ….

Me: Oh! That reminds me of something that might interest you.

I searched for the kids’ newspaper (that we had subscribed to) and found the recipe section in it. Below the recipes (which we had already went through few days back) there was a link to a recipe blog.

Me: I think on this link, you might get what you are looking for.

Her eyes lit up. She got so excited that she wanted to open the link just then.

Me (thinking) : My agenda ?? going in a drain!!!

Impatience and intolerance rose inside me. My awareness started to shrink. I cut her in between while she was arguing nicely (patiently and with reasoning) to start the computer.

Me (sharply): No, not so early in the morning.

I feared that after a few minutes of exploring she will go on watching serials for a few hours while I get busy doing my own work and other chores. We had talked earlier about this issue and she had an understanding that my fear was not completely baseless/illogical. There were times when it had happened and we had discussed candidly about how I feel about it and what my fears are. I had admitted that some of my fears, like effect on eyes, may be just fears (as many grown ups have jobs which make them see the screen full time and they live very well) or maybe they are really there inside me to protect you from unwanted outcomes.

So when I cut her abruptly, she told me patiently to finish herself first. I took a conscious breath and let my awareness widen again. I felt my face muscles loosening up. I felt my limbs getting relaxed. I felt my ears and mind all tuned to what she was saying. As I relaxed, I became fully present in the moment again.

P: I will just explore that link and then turn off the computer ….will not go on to watch serials after that.

That sounded like a reasonable, logical argument. After all its natural and genuine desire - we find something interesting, we want to explore it more. I saw no reason to stop her.

Me (thinking) : My agenda will be most successful when it's not enforced but accepted whole heartedly. It can wait.

So I agreed and went on to do my other work. And she did what she had promised. After exploring to her heart’s satisfaction, she came back wholeheartedly to me. And then we had a good fun time learning together - she learning to color, to draw and me learning to observe keenly, to be fully present to find creative ways to guide her.

Just FYI: The above incidence was just one of the very few times when she showed any interest towards cooking.